Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
My five moods:
1. I’m too old for this shit.
2. I’m too tired for this shit.
3. I don’t have time for this shit.
4. I’m too sober for this shit.
5. I don’t get paid enough for this shit.