If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
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I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
dream blunt rotation
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
Never let them know your next move 😂
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
[avengers trailer drops]
ME: ok wow everyone needs to relax a bit geez
[john wick trailer drops]
ME: EVERYONE SHUT UP KEANU AND HIS DOG ARE IN DANGER
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.
[Sick salmon goes to oracle.]
O seer, will I be cured?
*oracle looks into the future, sees giant package of lox*
-Yes you will, my son.
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.