If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
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Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
😍😂🥰😂😍
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
microdosing therapy by detailing all my problems when the applebee’s waiter asks “how we doin’ tonight?”
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
[being prepared as a virgin sacrifice to a vengeful god]
me: this is a mistake. i do sex all the time
shaman: [anointing me with ceremonial oils] lol with who?
me: you wouldn’t know her she goes to another tribe