馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
I would bang you so hard
over the head
with a frying pan
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Always love it when Members of Congress say they disagree w/ intel community’s analysis. Like having your plumber review your root canal.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
LOL!
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Ever notice you can hardly touch something that just came off a grill, but yet a fly can land on that MFer like its room temperature?
“I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and – oh sorry, wrong number.” – Liam Neeson in Mistaken
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog鈥檚 piano recitals.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
what if cobwebs were delicious?
– cotton candy inventor
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
[first day working at a duty-free shop]
manager: here’s your list of duties
me: wtf
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend, never owned a murdery cat.
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he鈥檚 getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?