Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
You Might Also Like
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
My neck, my back, my…
I can fix him.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
DONT YOU DARE TELL ME WHAT I CAN AND CANNOT DO I HAVE A OUIJA BOARD FOR THAT