Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
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This is the best one I’ve seen
6: Mommy where are you putting your cameltoe this year?
Me:
6: I like it
Me: It’s mistletoe son
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
What is going on? 😅
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
[airport]
GF: I guess this is goodbye
ME: I told you, I’m not very good at goodbyes
GF: [crying] Goodbye
ME: [trying real hard] Hello