Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
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“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
CO-WORKER: Hey, I overheard you talking about followers or something. You on Twitter?
ME *sweating*: Uh, I’m in a cult
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
So, if I take out a reverse mortgage on my house does that mean I’ll own a bank after 30 years?
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face
ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
I’m one salad away from identifying as a rabbit