All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
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The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
gonna pet so many people’s dogs while they’re distracted looking at the eclipse
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
Here’s a meme
Helped my son flush his betta fish today. He asked “Dad, does God love bettas?” & I said “Dunno, son, ask him after we flush you.”
Brains are sexy
Wish everyone had one
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
I just read that if you eat a slice of bread first thing in the morning and one last thing at night, everything you eat in between makes it a sandwich
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books