Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
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*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
A Goofy Movie gave me unrealistic expectations about what I could and couldn’t do with aerosol cheese
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
Ghost Hunter is a cool job because as a kid I always thought how fun it would be to play make believe and get paid for it
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
Me: *coming out of my house two months from now, squinting into the light*
Neighbor: how was your quarantine?
Me: quarantine?
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated