Life can only give you lemons if you answer the door.
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ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
someone is trying to tell me about a time when 50,000 people would get together in one place just to watch a baseball game.
Sounds fake. nice try, I wasn’t born yesterday.
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
[football game]
*ref throws flag*
Ref: *zebra noises*
Players: What?
Coaches: What?
Fans: What?
Zebra at home: *nodding* Good call good call
When you’ve lost your own gloves & just grab the first pair that turn up.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Dad: Can I administer my own anesthetic?
Surgeon: Go ahead – knock yourself out.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.