CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
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[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
You have CrossFit, I bathe 3 children in one evening.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
7yo: I have a headache. Can you sit with me til I fall asleep?
Me: Sure, bud.
7yo: So when I die, will I come back?
Me: Now I see why you have a headache.
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I called a chai latte a “chatte,” and my husband laughed and said that was “actually funny,” and it’s nice to have him finally recognize my genius.
It is truly easier to forgive your enemies than figure out how to limit their access to your facebook page.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.