why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
Don’t mind me, I’m just a mom sitting in the dark eating a tub of ice cream because I spent the entire weekend doing laundry and then my kids changed clothes
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.
Strangers are friends you haven’t met yet.
Friends are lovers you haven’t kissed yet.
Lovers are corpses you haven’t killed yet.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
doctor: are you sexually active?
me: buddy, i’m not even regularly active
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.