I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
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Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.
This Dollar Store thesaurus sure is coming in…
*shuffle shuffle*
…hippopotamus.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
My daughter said she wanted a pet fish so I gave her a can of tuna. The fact she took it, painted it and made an aquarium for it, proves that quarantine life is getting to all of us.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
me: are you telling me how to raise my children?
necromancer: trying to, yeah
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.