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Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
I hate when that happens.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
“How do you call the police?”
— my 5yo, angry because he can’t have his iPad
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
What my teens said: There’s nothing to eat
What my teens meant: WE ATE ALL THE FOOD!
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.
“i am a sweet baby”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
My local coffee shop has one of those “No WiFi, pretend it’s the old days” signs so I robbed them and made them promise not to use DNA evidence to convict me.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]