If she’s got matching bra and panties on you know what that means… it means both were clean at the same time simmer down
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It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
This Xmas, remember there are people less fortunate than you. People who can’t sleep diagonal, people sharing a bed, people who are married.
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
FRIEND: let’s hang out
ME: *takes out my accordion*
ENEMY: I changed my mind
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
[at a sperm bank]
“Can I browse the clearance bin?”
Me: If we weren’t related, I’d totally sleep with you. Hot girl: But we aren’t related. Me: Oh good, so you feel the same way too
Cinderella: I lost another shoe
Prince Charming: *through clenched teeth* who is he
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.