Why would Sally sell seashells by the seashore? There are plenty there that are free. Just walk and you are bound to find at least 40. Idiot
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hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Whoever is bringing me the 3 dozen donuts each morning, thank you. But could you just leave them on my desk and not in the break room?
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Cigarettes are a lot like hamsters. Perfectly harmless until you put one in your mouth and light it on fire.
[arriving in hell]
him: so what did you do?
me: *wearing a v neck t-shirt under a v neck pullover* no idea
Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
I got my ID out today to buy wine and the woman in the shop said “it’s ok I don’t need to see it”. It’s fine…I’m fine
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier