they always announce when a famous person dies but they never announce when a famous person is born
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I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
cop: your eyes are bloodshot, have you been drinking
me: your eyes look glazed, have you been eating donuts
cop: no I’m just high—wait a second
me: too late ur under arrest
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
once I asked my parents if they had any ghost stories, and my mom was like “well, we used to live in a farmhouse with a faucet that always leaked.” and then my dad said “one time I saw the devil”
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
noooo that’s my emotional support 8,000 screenshots i haven’t looked at since taking
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
This Teenage girl gave me attitude today so I called her the “Fattest Skinny person I have ever seen” that should confuse her for a while.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
The problem with Chinese food is an hour later you feel like hacking the Pentagon again.
This doctor once told me eating a bagel was like eating 5 slices of bread and I was like ok, cool, I like bread
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now