Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
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Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
So women draw their eyebrows on daily, and nothing is said.
I sharpie on a beard for movember and suddenly everyone has something to say.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
What if aliens watch our movies about aliens and then invade accordingly in hopes of fitting in with our culture?
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.