wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
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My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
I see what percentage you guys leave your phones on, how the hell are you gonna expect electric cars to get you anywhere.
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
This is not me but this is me
never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
“Can I pet your dog?”
“Sure, but he can be aggressive.”
[He pushes a pamphlet about the dangers of gluten towards me with his nose]
I like crazy people until they notice me