Yesterday I called a store to see if they were open and, as soon as they picked up, I knew they were, but had to follow through with what was by then a really stupid question.
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Important reminders
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
Me: Can I interest you in a nightcap?
Her: *blushing* sure
Me: What’s your hat size?
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
girlfriend: are you really dipping THOSE in honey mustard?
me: yeah babe, the sauce isn’t just for the nuggets
girlfriend: it’s definitely not for the ice cubes in your soda
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
Spielberg missed a great opportunity when he didn’t put FIN at the end of Jaws.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
Dr Mario: you have a tumor
me: two more what
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
So to fix my shitty attention span I just need to read your list of ten different 400 page books on concentration…
Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
Rewatching Bram Stoker’s Dracula and I love Keanu’s gradual realization like bro I think this guy might be Dracula