I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
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COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.
I’m very jealous of people who can take selfies with their dogs. My dog is like OH BOY WE ARE SITTING TOGETHER I LOVE YOU LICK FACE FOREVER
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Me: [pokes Bruce Banner with a stick] why aren’t you angry? What’s your secret?
Dr. Bruce Banner: my secret? I’m always angry.
Me: Hi Always Angry! I’m Dad
The Incredible Hulk: are you happy now?
Me: no, I’m Dad
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
? 💀
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE