Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
My 5yo acts like some sorta food connoisseur when I cook but today I caught him eating bread that he’d dipped in his cup of milk. What’s the deal with that?!
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
My screensaver is a screenshot of a bunch of spreadsheets so my boss doesn’t notice when I haven’t moved my mouse in an hour.
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
ASTRONAUT 1:So sorry
ASTRONAUT 2: My condolences
ASTRONAUT 3: Forgive us~~The crew of the Apollo-G
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Seen an ambulance at the hospital..i hope the doctors are ok
Awwwww shit.
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.