Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Inventor of numbers: No, see they never end. You can always add 1 to the previous number
People: What the
Inventor of the alphabet: I told you guys you should’ve let me handle it.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Where’s my employee discount too?
Facebook Uncles 600 years ago would just be like ‘ya but Vlad The Impaler has some really strong job numbers’
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar