Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
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[dollar store]
Me: I would like 700 dollars, please
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
*Mother driving me to an appt in the city as I clutch the passenger seat, white knuckled, terrified
Me: You drive like an old lady!
Her: That’s not very nice.
*swerves to avoid oncoming vegetable truck
Me: WE ARE GOING TO DIE
Her: Good thing I’m already an old lady.
There are no pants in heaven.
I dressed as a chimp for 4 years to win a woman’s heart. Eventually I realized that disguising myself was a breech of trust and revealing myself would be a betrayal. I stayed a chimp 3 more years, contributing to important data she was collecting. I realize now I sullied that too
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
Smells like a challenge to me
Dear sneeze, if you’re gonna happen, happen. Don’t put a stupid look on my face and then just leave.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
A waffle is just a more considerate pancake. It’s like, here, let me hold that syrup for you in these convenient boxes.