A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
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Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Q: Why did the lawyer put his luggage on the table?
A: He wanted to rest his case.
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Me: the floor is lava
Pompeii: everything is lava
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
Me: Empty the dishwasher, please.
10 y/o: Can’t…need to work on my business idea.
Me: What’s your business idea?
10y/o: I’m gonna charge anyone who pets our dog.
Me:
10y/o:
Me: Do you need a partner, and how much we chargin?
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no