I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
You Might Also Like
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month
o shit
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
*opens assassination store*
*makes a killing*
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
“Paypal me your lunch money!” -Cyber Bullies
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked