“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
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*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*
Is this a date? It feels like a date.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I feel it
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
I don’t invite ppl in bc that’s how vampire dens come about.
Call Me crazy, but the ideal number of times a Pope should have once been a member of the Nazi Youth is zero.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
Interviewer: how did you write that song?
Singer: well, I had an epiphany…
Me, brilliant musician: couldn’t afford a Gibson, eh?
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
So when you say R.I.P. To a dearly departed you are basically saying hey no zombie or walking dead stuff ??
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My kid: I’ll look
Me: No, no one is going to look
Target Employee: Why don’t you take a look at our new collection of home decor? It’s so beautif-
Me: *blindly flailing a knife from under the blanket covering our heads and cart* I’M ONLY HERE FOR LAUNDRY SOAP, DEMON
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.