Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
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You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
PlayStation: Install update?
Me: what update
PlayStation: NOT MUCH DATE, WHAT’S UP WITH YOU?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
The A string on my guit_r is flat
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I’m so mad I put my fist through a wall. I HATE BEING A GHOST
I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
brain: BACON!
mouth: BACON!
stomach: BACON!
arteries: are… are the walls closing in? feeling a little claustrophobic here, guys
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
*jolts awake*
*frantically searches around*WAIT A MINUTE!
THIS FEELS LIKE ONLY 47 PILLOWS!