Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
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The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
*has no idea what a book even is*
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
Me: 911? My wife and I have been in an accident and
she hit the windshield!
911: How’s her head?
Me: Her sister’s better.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I did some exercise in 2010, I should be good for another few years…
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.
nobody’s gonna understand
I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
Doritos has a new snack called “Taco Explosion” so I’m suing Frito Lay for stealing my term for what occurs an hour after eating Taco Bell.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.