“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
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I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
her: let’s try roleplaying
me: can I be a hypochondriac?
her: you got it
me: *suddenly nervous* got what
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
*halfway through watching the movie ‘the sting’, i finally lean over to my wife & whisper* if i don’t see any bees in this movie in the next five minutes i’m going to bed
I was rudely awakened by my wife’s snoring and she had the nerve to get mad because I started howling at the moon.
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
Roommate and I got our first electric bill and long story short we’re now Amish
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”
[1917]
allied soldier: my god this world war 1 is horrible
another soldier: wait, why did u call it that- are we gonna do this AGAIN
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Never go out with a flight attendant,
all you’ll get for breakfast is a bag of peanuts and instant coffee.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.