Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
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Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
I never pay for drinks I just insult women at bars & when they throw drinks in my face I open my mouth haha thanks for the free booze ladies
yea yea make ur OJ jokes but remember…ur friends who committed double homicide and were acquitted due to flawed prosecution and the backdrop of mounting racial tensions can also see the jokes 🙁
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Interviewer: do you have any final questions?
Me: HYPOTHETICALLY, what happens to people who drink on their lunch breaks?
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
We were watching a reality show with really annoying people and I said they made me wanna puke and my husband said he wanted to torch the TV and my 13yo was like “just let them be happy” and I don’t know how we raised a child who doesn’t know how to hate watch something properly.
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
[as a lawyer]
me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”
judge: “granted”
me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
Sorry for not paying attention during the inflight lifejacket demonstration. But this is a domestic trip so please only wake me up when you start demoing how to use a parachute.
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
Do people really expect to have a satisfying experience on a website that ends with “.gov”?
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.