What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
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What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
*sees baby*
*feels sad that my kids aren’t babies anymore*
*sees look of exhausted despair in baby’s parents eyes*
*sadness evaporates*
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
[standing in driveway with wife]
I thought we agreed on a Prius
[giant eagle pecks at saddle]
NO THIS IS BETTER
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.
Bananas.
Because you can’t stick a watermelon in a tailpipe.