Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
You Might Also Like
My husband giving me instructions as he prepares to leave town: “Don’t put the dogs in their crates today. Let them sleep on the couch.”
Me: “Why?”
Him: “That’s how they know it’s the weekend.”
When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
The most I’ve ever spent on a bottle of wine is about 45 minutes
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I hope this email finds you. And when it finds you it will make you pay.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
*walks in on you sitting on the toilet* “Scooch over.”
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Friend: Be adventurous in the bedroom, girls love that
[Later in bedroom]
Me: You like that? *Lays another bear trap* You like that babe?
Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
My dad is at it again
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.