Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
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Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Therapy isn’t enough. I need to run my brain through the dishwasher.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician