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According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
SON: Dad, do aliens really exist?
ME: *sliding a tentacle back up my sleeve* Why, did your mother say something?
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.
Officer: I’ll need to see a photo ID.
Me: (pulling out a selfie at an R.E.M. concert) That’s me in the corner. That’s me in the spotlight.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.