My kids slept til 7:30 on the weekend so I gave them ice cream for breakfast and let them ride their bikes in the house.
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Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
1920鈥檚: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020鈥檚: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Arnold Schwarzenegger glancing up excitedly and then looking away disappointedly multiple times while watching the intro to “Hey Arnold”
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
choose your gary
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
If there鈥檚 a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 馃ぃ馃ぃ, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
Do people who name their kids Tucker not know about the banana-fana song?
Now that the sun is out here鈥檚 your reminder to not look directly at my legs or you may go blind
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Still no power, and it looks like it鈥檒l be off at least a few more days. So, it鈥檚 Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*