My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
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The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
[First date]
Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?
Him: Water?
Me: No, my personality.
I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!
Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
At my funeral –
The pastor: “She was truly an angel that fell from heaven”
My ex, whispering to my other ex: “So was Lucifer!”
AT&T literally grounded someone of you with loss of telephone privileges.
no matter how many years they’ve been practicing, a bagpipe player always sounds like they started learning that day
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.