“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
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This kid is a star!
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
*pencils in some “spontaneity time” on my schedule for this week*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
Cop: I have bad news. It’s your son. You need to come down to the mortuary
Mom: But…how?
Cop: Maybe get a cab?
Sitting down and tilting your head to the side will increase your chances of food intake by 82%.
– Dog Logic
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
Every newscast:
“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.
what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
Searched Walmart app for frozen calamari. They said “No can do. Could we offer you some…”
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Holy crap this is wonderful
I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
The perfect #Easter meme doesn’t exi…..
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”