Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
You Might Also Like
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
God grant me the witchcraft to change the things I cannot accept.
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*