me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
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“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
How to cast a summoning spell to bring your children to you, wherever you are: Watch the first 44 minutes of a 51-minute-long murder mystery.
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
5: Unicorns aren’t real.
13: Where do you think glitter comes from?
10: And if unicorns didn’t sneeze we wouldn’t have slime either.
Big Sisters: the original fake news source
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
If you ask him what he admires most about a woman and he says brains, you’ve got yourself a zombie.
Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
If I weren’t supposed to bring my cat, the wedding invite would say that, right?
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Not today, today.
Not today.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.