My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
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*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
*queen’s gambit*
dad: knight takes queen
daughter: *3D prints new queen*
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
I want to know where my horoscope got the outlandish confidence to say “Don’t worry about any dreams you have today, dreams don’t mean anything”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Okay, which one of you asked if this year could get any worse?
At an art museum and I thought this was art
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Go hard or stay average