One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
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GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
I like to put powdered sugar around my nose before Zoom meetings
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
THERAPIST: You’re cured.
ME: Really?!?
THERAPIST: No, of course not. How did that make you feel?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now