I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
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An amish party in the desert called churning man.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
Me: *about to get kidnapped* What kind of puppy?
Actual voice mail:
“Molly, this is your mother. I just texted you but I don’t know how to make the facey-things so…happy face at the end.”
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.