[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
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As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
My kid just said his dinner tasted like cat litter.
Not sure if I should be offended or wonder how he knows what cat litter tastes like.
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
If you see white smoke coming from my chimney, I’m cooking supper. If you see black smoke, we’re ordering pizza.
I used to sneak out of my house to go to parties, now I sneak out of parties to go to my house.
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family