Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
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I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
Red wine has anti-inflammatory properties so if there is a god, she is a middle aged mom.
Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.
Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I’m chunky but I always wear activewear in public so that people think I’m at least doing something about it.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
All generalizations are stupid.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.