[touring beyonce’s house]
me: *taking off my shoes* when do they inflate it
You Might Also Like
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
Our lord and savoury.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
TERMINATOR: Come with me if you *really* want to live.
[montage of them going to art galleries, swimming with dolphins, sky diving etc]
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
I set out a suitcase to pack for my flight later today and spotted my 3 year old crawling inside it to hide. I casually zipped it up, yelled “I’M OFF TO THE AIRPORT, EVERYBODY!”, and carried it to the car. I’ve circled the block twice and my luggage hasn’t stopped laughing.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
Ask yourself, “do I like finding socks in every room of the house?” and if the answer is yes, unprotected sex is right for you.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
I own a lot of cleaning supplies for someone whose friends inscribed “dust me” on my coffee table recently.
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
Nose
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder