My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned
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Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
Your honor, this whole trial thing is really hurting my client’s feelings
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.