You Might Also Like
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Stayed up to watch the clock go from 1:59 to 1:00 am because you know, time travel
11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”
Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*
Boyfriend Test: Sour Skittles in one hand. Peanut Butter M&Ms in the other. Which do you choose?
WRONG. Neither. Don’t ever take my candy.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator
[Our bedroom, morning]
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: *presses snooze*
Alarm clock: *beeps*
Wife: OMG READ THE ROOM
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”
– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Mission: Impossible
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.