Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
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neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Angel: Awww babies are so cute!
God: Make them scream
Angel: W-why?
God: DO I TELL YOU HOW TO DO YOUR JOB CARL?
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
“Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
I’m Asian, but not wears a kimono, eats dogs, owns a bonsai tree, knows how to use chopsticks, waxes on waxes off, good at the math, Asian.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.