ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
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These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I’ve been calling my wife “honey” for 12 years because I don’t know how to tell her I forgot her name.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Bartender: What can I get you?
Me: Sex, beards, rock & roll?
Bartender:
Me: Sparkling vampire crazy about me?
Bartender:
Me: Beer.
*My neighbor rolls over in bed.
Me: You really shouldn’t sleep with the windows open. Now quit hogging the covers.
Me: What did you learn in kindergarten today?
5-year-old: A doughnut would help me remember.
Apparently she learned bribery.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
[several months ago]
BEYONCÉ: Kim Kardashian might be having a 3RD baby
JAY-Z: How many we got
BEYONCÉ: One
JAY-Z: Not a problem
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf